Terminator 3: War of the Machines review

Fixed emplacements and vehicles - both frequently ignored by the bots.

It seems silly to give Rise of the Machines and War of the Machines such similar titles, given that they're two rather different games. Rise is, as you will know if you've already read Jonathon's review, a narrative-driven FPS/beat 'em-up starring The Governor himself. War, on the other hand, is a class-based multiplayer shooter in the vein of Team Fortress Classic and all its imitators. Arnie himself is in there, but needs to be unlocked before you can step into his daisy mashers (More on that bit in just a moment).

The differences, of course, don't end there. Whereas Rise is, rather aptly, a somewhat risible and cynical cash-in, War is a stinking heap of gaming excrement; a horrendous blob of gaming cack so foul it makes a steaming plate of offal seem like a silver platter of rump steak. Now, are you ready to find out why?

Skynet fights back

An example of just how many people are playing this game. No official servers?

The choice of fighting as either the puny humans or formidable Terminators makes it immediately obvious where each faction's strengths lie. The humans are nimble and have access to a greater variety of weaponry but their flesh is weak and their bones snap easy. The Terminators are biased towards plodding chunks of metal that lack manoeuvrability and, probably, a sense of humour. These disadvantages are further represented by their inability to crouch or go prone, a cosmetic difference that has little real impact anyway. Arnie features as a bonus, but is so gaunt and misshapen he looks like a constipated Greg Proops (Sorry Greg!) - not a face you'll be wanting to wear, then.

Compensating for its limited arsenal, Skynet boasts the infiltrator and the FK. The latter is a small, airborne Terminator that buzzes about like a killer bee but, critically, is unable to capture map objectives so it must hold them until foot soldiers can arrive. Flying an FK and firing its deadly pulse lasers at anyone stupid enough to get in the way is probably the most fun you can have as a Skynet employee, as many of the larger maps take too long for the tardy Terminators to traverse.

The infiltrator is a Terminator sporting the likeness and behaviour of a human. Playing an infiltrator would be great if it wasn't for the fact that the infiltration aspect of their nature is fundamentally flawed. It's immediately obvious who the infiltrators are and so players and bots alike can identify them as quickly as any other opponent and thus squandering the class’ double-crossing potential.

It's in your nature to destroy yourselves

Yet another gunfight conducted face to face.

And spotting infiltrators is as good as the bot AI gets. I've seen some poor examples for artificial intelligence in my time but War of the Machines takes not just the biscuit, but the whole confectionary shelf, the patisserie and certainly smells like the fish counter to boot. Taking cover inside one Skynet spawn point, I was appalled to see terminator after terminator amble past me, many continuing on their way as I fired into their backs, others breaking off attacks on me for no apparent reason. The humans aren't much better either, suddenly going prone for no apparent reason, getting stuck in doorways or scenery and consistently ignoring the vehicles dotted about each map.

Bot gunfights are often conducted at point blank range, and it’s no challenge to take down a dozen of your opponents unharmed, as a little basic strafing is usually enough to put them off. To cap it all, every game is a cacophony of radio chatter as each new target sighting is greeted with cries of "Kill the human!” or similar. The repetitive dialogue soon grates and is rarely phrased in a useful context. I can only assume the maps are so flat and featureless because these loathsome cretins couldn't navigate anything more complex. Map design is largely basic and, although some of the post-apocalyptic environs do possess a touch of atmosphere, these are some of the most unexciting arenas you'll ever do battle in.

Hasta la vista, baby

These men are attempting to run through a vehicle, and failing. Should I put them out of their misery?

But why was I complaining about the bot AI anyway, when this is a game designed to pit player against player? There's a very good reason for that, and that reason is the chronic lack of War of the Machines servers out there. I can only assume that this is some kind of Judgement Day simulation where we must pretend most of the world has died at the hands of some technological terror. To date, I've seen no more than eight servers online at any one time, with twenty-six players divided amongst them the current record. Of course, I'm sure these figures can be beaten, but I think it highlights just how popular War of the Machines is. What's more, playing online further exasperates War of the Machines most fundamental failing - it struggles to run like an ant with its backend squished all over the pavement.

Underlying every single flaw I've already highlighted, underpinning every other problem the game has is the inescapable, abominable, deplorable, execrable and intolerable game engine. It's utter, utter crap. The frame rate regularly plummets, making combat little more than a slide show, the skins and textures are little better than they were in 1995's Terminator: Future Shock (great game that – ed.) and the animation is almost distressing in its simplicity - terminators topple like skittles and humans fold up and die in the fashion of a rusty camp bed. War of the Machines doesn't even begin to compete with aging shooters like Quake III or Half-Life and yet, somehow, manages to become a stuttery, jerky mess even when the graphics settings are lowered to the most minimal level. This makes it nothing short of astounding, then, that the system requirements demand at least a 1Ghz processor and, preferably, a 2Ghz one. It's an insult to anyone who's paid good money for such a machine.

I need a vacation

Online play is as good as it gets, and it's still rubbish.

I could go on and complain about how I tried to run down a terminator but drove right through him, how there's a lack of customisable game options, or state how bland the sound effects are, but there simply isn't the space. Terminator 3: War of the Machines is overwhelmingly bad. Should time travel ever become a reality, perhaps some sterling saviour will journey back through the years to rescue us all from this atrocious example of a game.

Until then, I'm afraid you're stuck with me - no Austrian accent, more 'cake' than 'beef' and sunglasses that come with a prescription. My dialogue might not be quite so quotable, either, being that it consists only of the mantra "Never. Touch. This. Game." You have been warned.